A client named Tammie, who lives in the Pacific Northwest, recently told me that no one acts civil anymore, and people use the excuse of “not having time to do it.” She has suffered from severe illness for several years and is now in remission, though she has good and bad days. “People see me struggling with groceries or to open a door or reach for something and they just shove past me like I’m not even there. I still hold doors for people and barely get a nod in response, much less a thank you. But if I stoop to their level, I fear all decorum will be lost in society altogether.” It’s true that nobody owed her a favor. But when did basic manners go the way of the dodo bird? How have we become so warped in the competitive “what’s in it for me” mindset that we can’t help a fellow human being without calculating the reward? Have we forgotten how to get ahead with good manners?

I have a friend who, due to a neurological issue, sometimes becomes extremely fatigued very quickly. Once, last spring, she told me simply could not make her legs move while trying to exit her car in the parking lot of a grocery store. An older gentleman paused to stare at her. Then he walked past her into the building. He could clearly see her struggling. I guess guilt must have caught up to him because later in line, he offered the explanation that he didn’t assist because he knew she would resent the implication that she needed help from a man.

Since when did equality between the sexes come to mean that nobody ever needs or wants help? Since when are we all labeled in such a way that the “human” aspect becomes secondary? Since when are we so scared of what “others” will think that we resent getting involved at all?

The concept of civility really isn’t “dead.” I’d prefer to call it “dormant.” Using “please” and thank you” in both the real world and the corporate world will still help you get ahead. Holding doors for people, saying “good morning,” and asking if someone needs help is not chivalry or patronizing – it’s simply using good manners. Rather than seeming “old-fashioned” – like many today are apt to say – it shows you are a conscientious, attentive person who acts quickly and decisively when the situation arises. It demonstrates compassion, caring, and the ability to get along with other people. Would you want that person on your team, or the self-absorbed snob who’s too busy talking into her cell phone to hold the door open for someone juggling multiple bags? Would that person listen to issues, work with others to hear suggestions, or come up with independent solutions? Or would that person be the one who complains about the workload and plays “pass the buck”?

Just as a good resume and cover letter get your foot in the door for an interview, and just as good manners and confidence in the interview win you the job, civility doesn’t and shouldn’t stop there. Nor should it ever be faked. If people can read right through you that you’re insincere, you’ll be branded in the workplace as someone not to be trusted – which is a fine way to start off on the wrong foot. But if you’re genuinely caring, if you are willing to learn and work hard, if you avoid office politics, if you do your job well, and you show that you’re a decent human being, you’ll get ahead much more quickly in your career – and grow as a person, too.